


Per Aspera Ad Astra

by moroder



Series: Of Broken Hearts and Fallen Stars [4]
Category: Beholder (Video Game)
Genre: Adopted Children, Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24790243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moroder/pseuds/moroder
Summary: Raising a child is always harder than getting one.
Relationships: Alloisius Shpak/Bastian Walner
Series: Of Broken Hearts and Fallen Stars [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1631920





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s a sort-of-sequel to Of Same Blood with some improvements about the ending, as the guys got married way earlier, had a cat, etc. I tried to get together all the thoughts about how they’d got a kid, what’s happened, how they got along and so on.

“Add this to your homework. Any questions, we’ll get through them tomorrow. Thank you all, that’s it for today.”

Papers rustling, chairs clattering, a satisfied hum through the class… The last lesson was over, and children hurried to gather their stuff and finally leave the room. Closing the textbook, Bastian put it down on the teacher’s table and looked around the class. Today’s responsible ones were absent as usual. What an adult trait…

He felt someone touching his hand.

“Let me erase the board. And put the chairs into order.”

A moment later, with no words escaping his mouth, the kid took the sponge from his hand and jumped to the sink.

“Thank you, Norman,” the teacher said hoarsely. The last thing he had to do was filling in the class records, so he proceeded.

It was almost three years since he came to this country. The situation wasn’t a gift to say at least. Despite having to endure least favorite job, to live alone and highly hardworking, fate was benevolent to him – or rather to both of them, having escaped the Great Homeland. No matter how usually neutral or even pessimistic Bastian was - he gathered all his hope for the best so that Alloisius would get better. It might have helped, at the end.

After the rehab period was over and Shpak came back to his surgeries, he almost immediately reassured his partner that he no longer needed to worry about money and could finally leave the profession he despised so much. The talk ensued not out of nothing, as Alloisius would’ve had to talk him into believing that life was still worth living. Remembering that he succeeded in helping his colleague’s son pass the exams, Alloisius suggested going for a teacher’s place, and though it might have sounded like quite a challenge, Bastian liked the idea.

In 1987, September he’d met his first own class – 7-A, a collective of twenty-three. He had an experience of being a class teacher, so the place wasn’t exactly terrifying; on the contrary, it was nice for him. Seventh graders were loud and restless but also already considered themselves to be the experts in everything. Just like regular kids. Of course, at first they refused to take the new teacher into account, but only six months later they couldn’t imagine their life without their melancholic koala-like math lecturer. He also became attached to the kids, although stubborn and capricious to a degree.

Meanwhile, the boy finished erasing the board, and Walner called out for him. “Could you bring the class records to surveillance station? Thanks…”

“Sure thing. My pleasure!”

With a shaggy, blond heap of hair, Norman Moss was one of the “special” students, and not because of his grades – they were exceptional, and he was among the best in Bastian’s subjects. At the start of this year, the teacher was told to watch Moss’ attendance closely, as he could skip lessons several days in a row and then come back like nothing happened. Talking wasn’t much help as well, but all his homework was well done; teachers often spotted him at the library, studying there and not at home. It was weird, but Bastian thought him to be from a large family, remembering his former neighbor Matvej Nash’s stories about him moving away so he could study in peace. Nash had a different situation altogether, but in case of Norman the class teacher wasn’t sure, lacking the information. His parents were called to school several times; they were coming and saying the situation will change, but it just… didn’t. Bastian realized that his own attempts to talk to them would also do nothing, so he sighed with distress each time none of Moss family made it to the parents’ evening.

Months passed by, and he noted worriedly that he felt an urge to protect the problematic kid. Walner suspected him being far from actually complicated; he did all the tasks in time, and his tests were mostly perfect, the problem must’ve been something else. But he never built up the courage to talk to him about that. It he’s already a seventh grader, and the problem was still there, what could a simple teacher do? If the head teacher and the others failed, how could he help… Every time these thoughts flooded him, he realized it wasn’t his logic speaking but instead his habit of shifting weight to others. He felt sick from it, he wanted to punch himself in the face, but it wouldn’t help in escaping himself.

God, _you’re so pathetic sometimes. Your whole life you’ve been accusing your elder brother of your life being designed ahead without your opinion taken into account, and in the end you were the one guilty. It’s always been your fault. You got drunk, you proposed to the first woman you met, you talked your landlord into watching her… you hated yourself and your whole life… you kept rejecting help…_

_You still keep dragging yourself to the ocean floor. What’s holding you in this world if all you can feel for yourself is repulsion?.._

“…mister Walner! What’s wrong with you?”

He opened his eyes (only now had he realized that he shut them tight) and looked up. He appeared to be lying with his chest on the table, clutching his head; his glasses went askew, and he only recognized the person shaking him only after he fixed them.

“N-Norman? What are you… what happened?”

“I did what you said and came back, and you were lying here… Are you okay?”

He looked at the kid with a misty gaze, barely registering the world around. His head was spinning; he was completely out of breath and probably looked like a fish fresh out of water. As Norman came closer and hugged him, the teacher froze, almost holding his breath. A few seconds later, he finally came back to the real world, just as earlier in similar situations, as he gripped a box cutter in his hand, and scarlet stains dotted his diary, dripping from the blade. Pain was most effective in bringing back to reality… although his student had just managed to do the same without any physical harm.

“Norman… why did you to that?” Bastian asked in unsteady voice, diffusing the fog in his mind. The child pulled away, a bit shaggy and flushing.

“If you hug someone, they get better… It’s been like that my whole life. Do you feel better? Be honest.”

He looked at Walner with a serious grey-blue gaze; not any adult could look at others so carefully. Bastian sighed.

“I do. I do now… Thank you. Whatever you did, it was… most effective.”

“I just gave you a hug,” Moss smiled. “In any case, I’m glad it helped you. You went so visibly calm as I hugged you… Do you have anyone to do that on regular basis?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do”, he stuttered a bit.

“Does she hug you enough?”

“No idea. I guess. We’ll discuss that,” Bastian laughed. A thirteen years old child gives you an advice on how to calm yourself down… and he’s totally right. 


	2. Chapter 2

A month passed since the incident. The spring made its way mercilessly into lives and hearts of the 7-A grade, their marks and collective being relatively constant. Also constant was the situation with the class monitors who tended to skip their duties, especially if maths was the last lesson. As before, there was one single person who did the job instead of them. Walner thought him to be so willing to help not just because he was ashamed for his classmates; he felt a little flattered but then again, remembering how kids treat those who are favored by teachers… Sometimes he wished Norman to be just like the others, shameless and carefree.

The kid didn’t even think to step down. Bastian observed his relationship with the class and noticed nothing out of ordinary. A usual student who is both talkative and silent. Exchanging notes during lessons, squinting while writing something down from the blackboard… were his parents oblivious to their son’s vision problems? Walner saw him in the library a couple of times himself, and it was quite late – 5 PM and all his classmates went home long ago, but there he was, reading about Tim Thaler, nose stuck in the book. Once upon such interaction, Walner asked him why wouldn’t he take some books home, and Norman vaguely told him that he didn’t want to trouble anyone… Since that time, the teacher’s suspicions about the kid's family began to unfold.

Once in April, Bastian was busy with graduates till the very evening; the sun had almost set as the last students left the classroom, and the teacher packed the necessary papers into his bag. He didn’t hurry – Alloisius had a night shift that day, and their hungry cat was the only one waiting at home. As he left the room, it was exactly 8 PM.

Passing through the corridor, he saw in a corner of his eye that someone was sitting on the benches, across the hall near farthest classrooms. He could’ve thought them to be a janitor, but then he came closer and recognized, to his horror, a well-known seventh grader.

“Norman, what are you doing here?! Why aren’t you home yet?” he exclaimed, confused rather than angry. The kid looked up at him and answered gravely:

“I won’t go home. I can stay at school until it closes for night.”

“Where will you go then?” Bastian shook his head, instantly realizing he had to ask a different question. “And why won’t you go home?”

“Because I don’t want to. As to where I’ll go, I can find a place… It’s not the first time.” Norman shivered and turned away. “Go home, you were going home, right… You’re needed there.”

A lot of important decisions in Bastian Walner’s life were of impulsive nature. He felt ashamed for most of them afterwards. But now...

“Get up and come with me.”

“Huh?” the kid even turned back to him, surprised. “Come where?”

“Home.”

“I told you I won’t go home!”

“Not your home, mine. You’ll spend this night at my place. Works for you?”

On the inside, Walner was happy no one heard this conversation. Some people could get an inadequate idea of an adult offering a kid to spend a night at his flat. He also hoped for Norman to neglect the ambiguity of this statement.

The boy got off the bench reluctantly, picked up his school bag and shuffled his feet towards the stairs. They kept silence till the very school gates; only as Bastian made a step outside, Moss stopped.

“Mister Walner…”

“Yep, what is it?” He turned around and stopped, too.

“You’re… not joking?”

“About?”

“You’re taking me home for a night… For real? You won’t bring me to my parents?”

“Well,” he stepped towards the kid, “I made sure firsthand that lying to children only makes them lie more as they learn from you. Ten times more. Come one, give me a hand and let’s go. It’s getting dark.”

He outstretched a hand to Norman; the boy took it awkwardly and stepped over the gate. He didn’t let go of the hand since, and they kept going for quite some time; Bastian usually took long walks home, having to take a stroll after a full working day. Alloisius kept telling him to walk more often because of his constantly sitting job, and he waved him off saying that he didn’t have enough time. Walking home was sort of a peaceful solution.

“Mister Walner… Do you live alone?”

“Huh? No, I don’t. Why do you ask?”

“Well I’m just…” Norman stuttered. “Your family won’t mind some kid staying overnight?”

“Oh, you mean… No, they won’t. I’m home alone today. Save for a cat, heh… Are you allergic to anything, by the way?”

“Not that I recall… So you have a family, right?”

“Yes, it consists of one person.” Bastian slightly raised the hand Norman held, and he saw a wedding ring. “And also one cat. This person is on a night shift today, so you don’t have to be embarrassed.”

“I see… Wait, how old are you?”

“Unexpected questions,” Walner chuckled. “Forty-nine.”

“And you don’t have children? Or did they grow up and leave?” the boy asked with disbelief. The adult shook his head.

“No, we don’t have kids and we’ve never had any. And how old are your parents?”

“Dad’s thirty-six… a couple of weeks from now…”

He hesitated, and Bastian thought that the topic of family and parents wasn’t the best for him. They were silent for the rest of their journey; even at the porch, they met no one to talk to. However, as Walner looked for the flat keys in his pockets, a demanding meowing sound came from behind the doors – someone was truly waiting for him to come back. The cat jumped back, sensing a stranger, but quickly changed her attitude, came closer to Norman and rubbed against his school trousers, leaving a good portion of white hair on them. The kid wasn’t distressed at all; on the contrary, he reached out to pet her.

“So soft and nice… What’s her name? And age?”

“She’s two years old. Goes by the name Chaos.”

“Chaos? Woah! Why's that?” Moss laughed, stroking her silky white fur.

“I’d say it’s because of what she does in our absence,” Bastian smiled, hanging his coat in the closet. “Actually… I once rented an apartment in a house that had a cat named Order under its roof before. It was pitch black, and our beauty is show white, so it’s like… Chaos is the opposite of Order, something like that.”

“Oh, that’s interesting… It’s great that you put so much sense into a pet’s name.”

Walner held up a cat food bag and rattled it, and Chaos escaped Norman’s hands in a moment.

“Do you have a pet, too?”

Feeding the cat, he didn’t see Moss and noticed only after a few seconds that he went very grim.

“I did once. Now there’s none… It’s for the best anyway.”

“Why is that?” Hearing the question, the kid turned away. The moment of positive interaction was lost. “That’s why you don’t want to go home? You don’t like it there?”

“Why are you so interested…”

He cuddled himself in attempt of self-defense. Guess that’s a sensitive subject, Bastian sighed to himself.

“Yes, I don’t like it there.”

“Do you have conflicts with your parents? Do they hurt you? Beat you?”

“No!” Norman flinched like he was struck by lightning. “We’re okay. I just… just want to be alone sometimes and I can’t. I don’t have a room of my own at home where I can lock myself for a couple of hours. Sometimes you just want to hide in a corner and be left alone… Don’t you feel the same?”

“Oh… fine, okay. Let it be. That’s why you study at the library, not home?”

“Yes… I can’t get comfortable.” Norman looked at him, pitiful. “You won’t ask me about all this anymore?”

Walner smiled sadly. The kid’s answers didn’t sound so realistic, but to think about it… Maybe he just needed to stop looking for something that wasn’t there?

“No, I won’t. Are you hungry? I can cook something.”

After a small dinner, Bastian let the boy wander around the flat for a while. Despite a single room flat being enough for them two, Alloisius insisted on moving into a bigger one six months ago. Now, three rooms were at their service, though one remained empty and unused; Alloisius stored his medical literature in it, along with other things that could be less needed in everyday life. A big painting of a moonlit bay was left here by previous tenants, and they hung it in the hall. Norman spent a long time in front of it.

“Mister Walner… by the way, can I call you Bastian?”

“Sure. What’s the matter?”

“You have so many medical books… You were a doctor?”

“Haha, no, these aren’t mine. The person in today’s night shift owns them.” He glanced at his watch; it was almost 11 PM. “Hey, don’t you need to go to bed? I don’t know when I’ll go to sleep, but you…”

“But tomorrow’s Sunday. No school,” the boy resented, but Bastian wagged a finger at him.

“That doesn’t mean we’ll be asleep till daytime. I still need to bring you back to your parents.” Norman went noticeably distraught after hearing this. “Come now… I’ll talk to them tomorrow. It’ll be okay.”

He expected to hear a “no” or a sarcastic “yeah sure it’ll be”, but Moss simply kept silence. It was even worse. Shooing these thoughts away, Walner dug into the closet in search of a fresh bed linen set.

At least half an hour passed before the bed was officially ready to accept someone. Norman almost fell asleep, and Bastian had to shake him out of it so he could wash up and then go to bed.

“When will you go to sleep?” he spoke drowsily, holding Chaos who hasn’t left his side since the dinner. Walner shrugged, as he actually had no idea.

“Sometime in the future, but now I’m a busy bee. Goodnight.”

He carefully closed the door and came back to the kitchen table. A pile of copybooks lay there, waiting to be opened ever since yesterday, but as usual, everything was being slowly put off. Bastian was already tired after extra classes, and now all this… And Norman hit him like a train. How was he supposed to tell his parents about that? “Oh hey, I took your son for a night, have him back”? That’s absurd… Wouldn’t they report him to police for this?

Ah, to hell with these thoughts. The copybooks awaited.


	3. Chapter 3

He woke up unwillingly, hearing annoyed hungry meowing. Chaos always asked for food around six and half in the morning. His head was buzzing, his eyes felt like he didn’t close them for a split second – that’s how sore they were; in addition, he seemed to have fallen asleep right at the table, and his back ached violently as he straightened up. Alloisius wouldn’t take that kindly…

Wait. It was six and half o’clock, and he’ll be back approximately at ten. Walner still had time to take his guest home, talk to his family, come back and cook something for breakfast… Today they both were on a leave, not quite a common thing for them.

Bastian glanced at his watch and saw to his surprise that it was eight o’clock. It was strange that Chaos was so late today. Maybe she just enjoyed sleeping by Norman’s side…

They left the flat in complete silence. Both knew exactly that unpleasant things waited for them ahead. In addition, for Bastian, it would be over at the doorstep, but Norman would have to spend this entire day at home, unable to stay at school.

Hovering his hand over the doorbell, Walner restrained himself for the last time and pushed the button. The door opened almost instantly.

“Walner! Where is our child?!”

Sure, he didn’t expect a warm welcome, but being grabbed by the collar and almost torn off the ground was… unpleasant. The last time he saw Roger Moss was back in January, and he has hardly changed – the same gargantuan height, a distinct smell of tobacco and a firm handshake, although this time Bastian felt it on something other than his hand. The grip didn’t become any weaker.

“Hold up…” he tried to set free, but Moss didn’t listen and tightened his grip.

“When Norman didn’t come home, we went there and do you know what we found? Do you?! His jacket at the wardrobe! And then the janitors said they saw, you know who?! You! They saw you taking him away from school!!!”

“Dad, that’s enough,” the guilty one said bleakly, coming out from behind the class teacher. The hands clenching Bastian weakened, and then let go of him completely.

Another person appeared in the flat – Norman’s mother. Lena Moss was an even less frequent guest in the school and usually came as an extra to support her husband. This time, she resurfaced and rushed at her son as if she hasn’t seen him for years, not just one night.

“Heavens, Norman, we were so worried, I cried all out! Where have you been, honey,” she wailed, looking all over him. Then she rose by her husband’s side and glared at Walner. “Where did you take our son?! If you dared to touch him…”

“Listen… I was leaving school at late hour, and Norman was still there. He said that…” Bastian glanced at the kid but still managed to say aloud, “that he doesn’t want to come home. I couldn’t just leave him there, I took him home for just one night. I swear, no obscenity.”

The parents looked at each other and then at their son. He dashed off and disappeared in the flat. Silent for another minute, they nodded to each other, and Lena left the scene too. Walner watched her until head of Moss family coughed, making him flinch.

“So, uh… Excuse the mess and my hotheaded attitude… We didn’t know exactly what happened. Why didn’t you phone us at once?”

“Well… who knows that happened in a family that a child escaped from it,” Bastian squirmed, knowing full well that he actually had to call them yesterday and he was just anxious that Norman would've got into trouble. “You know, different things happen. It would be dangerous to send him home.”

“You want to say we’re not good parents?” It sounded threatening, although it could be because of Moss’ massive height. Bastian felt small even next to Alloisius who was a little over 6’, and this man on the doorstep was over two meters tall…

“No, not at all… I’m just worried about my students. You know, Norman’s on special account for… uh…”

“For skipping classes, yes. We do all we can to stop that.” Roger glanced behind his back and turned to Walner again. “All in all, thank you for bringing our son home alive… Forgive me for this. It won’t happen again.”

“I hope so,” he blurted out. Moss smiled at him in his fullest and reached to close the door; just before that, Bastian cried out the last thing. “Don’t forget, tomorrow’s a studying day!”

“We won’t forget.”

The door closed before his face, and he sighed with relief. He disliked conflicts so much, although his profession suggested being very close to them. He already wanted to turn and leave as he heard a muffled scream from behind the doors. A kid’s voice, no doubt. Bastian haven’t heard Norman scream before, so he couldn’t be sure it was him… Maybe they had more children?

He pressed his ear against the door, completely oblivious to a risk of it swinging open. Silence. No sound in a solid minute. Shrugging, Walner pulled away and went to the stairs.

He got home at almost eleven o’clock. Alloisius was already home by that time; after three years of being married, he still greeted his husband as if they've only got married yesterday. Though, today he had some questions – not just how they were going to spend this Sunday.

“Why’d you need a book on childhood diseases?” he asked casually, sweeping dust off the bookshelves.

“What?” Bastian looked out from the kitchen with a surprised face. “Me, childhood diseases?”

“Yep. It’s okay, I’m not angry or anything, just interested, why’d you need it? Is someone ill in your class?”

“I didn’t touch it… Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m also sure that you changed the bed linen while I did that two days prior.”

His tone was shifting from casually joking to serious, and from their life together, Bastian was already acquainted with these situations. It’s better to tell everything as it is, and he turned off the water and took the towel from a chair nearby.

“Bastian, who was in our flat?” Shpak asked, crossing his hands. Walner approached him, wiping his hands and sorrowfully eyeing the buttons on his husband’s vest.

“Take it easy, okay?.. It was one of my students.”

“Oh,” he smirked, but the skepticism wasn’t gone. “Why, then?”

“He refused to go home. I left the school at eight, and he sat there… so alone and abandoned. I couldn’t leave him there.”

“Oh, so you just offered a kid to go to your place and he accepted? Creepy to hear that from you!”

“Not funny, Al,” Bastian frowned.

“Will you now offer any student a place to stay whenever they feel rebellious?”

“Al! It’s not ‘any student’, it’s a kid from my class. He skips lessons, he does homework at school library, saying that he doesn’t feel comfortable at home… I’m positive that it’s something about his family.”

Seeing Walner being truly concerned about his student’s fate, Alloisius turned down his skeptic mood and embraced him with a smile.

“Now, now, it’ll be okay. You brought him back to his parents, right?”

“I just did. It feels like I… I made a mistake.”

“Really? Even if they are, like you suspect, bad parents, they still are his parents by papers… And they could very well write a report on you if you refused to give them back their child.”

“I don’t know, Al… Maybe I’m just overreacting…” He put his head on Shpak’s shoulder. “Kids are so exaggerating at this age.”

Alloisius stroked his disobedient red hair gently and kissed his temple.

“We’ll see. There’s nothing to be worried about, trust me.”


	4. Chapter 4

Throughout the next two weeks, nothing exceptional has happened. April slowly shifted into May, bringing the last tests and exams. Bastian was head over heels with schoolwork, so the incident with Norman’s family was slowly wearing off from his mind. The boy attended his classes, erased the board after lessons, and other teachers spoke about him as often as usual, so he was assumed to be okay. The only thing was that he stopped talking to Bastian that much, as if bottling up his emotions. But the teacher thought of that so little that he couldn’t make a truly satisfying conclusion. Moss looked normal, from his point of view.

During one of those school days, the situation that took place almost fourteen days ago had almost reenacted itself. This time, Walner was leaving at 6 PM and not 8, and he met Norman not inside but outside the school, kicking the air.

“Norman! Why aren’t you coming home again?” he called out, leaving the school territory.

The kid looked up at him, but turned around at once and slowly walked away. Bastian had to run up to him to receive an answer, and as he caught up with him, the boy glanced at him with a sharp turn.

“Norman, listen…”

“I won’t go home! You told me the last time that you won’t ask anymore! Why do you lie? You said it’s wrong to lie to children!”

He was almost crying; the further he spoke, the louder the despair in his voice resounded. Bastian took a step towards him, but the kid recoiled instantly.

“Don’t touch me! You’ll bring me home again, no doubt… None of you are worth trusting! None of you!”

“Calm down, Norman! I won’t bring you anywhere against your will. I made a mistake before, but maybe you could tell me why it was a mistake on my side? I asked you but got little to none explanation. Perhaps it’s the time?”

The kid looked at him quietly with undisguised anger. Walner remembered his father with the same emotions in his gaze, grabbing the teacher by a shirt collar two weeks ago. The son was very much like the father indeed.

“Not here… I don’t feel good around here.”

In complete silence, they came to a nearby park. There were usually many moms with strollers, but surprisingly not now. It played into the hands of the two. Norman was ahead of the teacher and chose a bench on his own.

“I wasn’t completely honest,” the boy started as they settled down.

“I figured,” Walner sighed. “Speak up.”

“I… I don’t want to go home because I don’t like my family. And they don’t like me. It was bearable in elementary school, but now… If I upset my father, he beats me. Usually upside the head, and if he’s in a bad mood, he uses a belt or even fists… That’s why I usually stay out of home. The less he sees of me, he better. He also takes it out on mom sometimes… She tries to protect me but… What’s she got, huh? He’ll break her in two if she tries anything. At first she shielded me with herself, then…” Norman sobbed, “then she joined him. She’s not as harsh though. A fist to the side is her top. Upside the head is more frequent. Learned that from dad…”

“Heavens, Norman… why don’t you inform the children’s services? They exist for cases like yours…”

“You think I didn’t try and complain? They were on their toes for half a year, then it all went downhill. Right after the final check from the child services. I thought the complaint helped change them, but they became even worse with me…”

“Why didn’t you try again? It’s a serious issue.”

“Really? Wasn’t the first one serious enough?” Norman looked at him, and Bastian once again was taken aback with how sad and understanding his gaze was – for a thirteen years old kid. Like an adult trapped in a child’s body. “If they nearly beat me to death the first time, what could happen next… No one will make a difference.”

“I can’t believe I hear this with my own ears,” Bastian’s voice began trembling with anger. “What about a foster family? Did you think that perhaps you’d feel better with them?”

“Yeah. No one would adopt such a grown up kid that was bullied by his own family. They’ll just think he will forever be bitter at the world around, including foster parents.” He sighed and looked down. “You think I’m young and stupid and don’t understand what I’m talking about…”

“No, not at all…”

“Don’t explain yourself. It’s hard to imagine that a kid could ever understand an adult, save for an adult understanding a kid.”

He sighed again, shifting his gaze to the school bag.

“Sorry for telling you all this… You probably have your own worries besides me. I better go.”

“W-where? Home?”

“Maybe, maybe not. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine… I’m leaving like this for several years already. You’ve just noticed that, it was relatively still before you, as nobody cared.”

Grabbing his bag, Norman stood up, threw the bag up his shoulder and slowly went away. Walner battled a wish to jump up, chase after him and offer protection, but then again, would he actually make it better? Or worse like the last time?

No wonder that he couldn’t chase away the thoughts about Norman’s story until the very night. He couldn’t understand how parents could in their right mind put their hands on their own child… his own childhood was also plagued by his father sometimes getting drunk, but it was a rare occasion and he was still very distressed, seeing his wife bruised by him. Judging by Norman’s words, his family didn’t suffer from guilty conscience.

“You’re so somber today.”

Alloisius’ lighthearted voice pulled Bastian out of his thoughts. He remembered that he was actually at the table, picking his boiled potatoes with a gravely serious face.

“It’s that student, still in my head…”

“Oh, that one?” Shpak snickered. “What’s he done to gain your attention?”

“He told me he’s got problems with his family. And he told the children's services, but it only made things worse. He said, if adults can’t solve the problem, no one else would.”

In the end, he became fed up with picking and put his fork aside.

“Sorry, I’m not that hungry today… Thanks for dinner.”

“Pity, I really tried this time…” Alloisius lamented lightly, glancing at his husband’s plate. Bastian got up, approached him and touched his shoulders.

“It’s very good, I swear. It’s just… I can’t eat with thoughts swarming in my head.”

“I understand…”

It still sounded disappointed, but with a tint of relief. Walner kissed back of his head and headed to his desk where a pile of copybooks awaited, as usual. Ironically enough, Norman Moss was the owner of the first copybook in this pile.

Bastian opened it with a sigh and put in front of himself. Fast and neat handwriting, ideal calculations. Nothing to complain. One circumstance stood out, however: a batch of small crimson stains right in the middle of a page. It was obvious that someone tried to wash them away, but it only distorted the paper and made the stains paler but way larger.

 _It’s just nosebleed,_ Walner tried to reassure himself. He also suffered from similar thing, as it was most impractical to have your blueprints all splattered with blood. However, considering the facts he found out today, he began to suspect it to be not a bleeding nose but something else, bleeding from impact.

Norman was afraid that no one would have adopted him at age of thirteen. That no one in the city would've cared about him… Hell, if Norman was an orphan right now, Bastian would’ve got the custody of him in no time. It would be one of those hotheaded decisions for which he hated himself for the rest of his life. He never discussed this with Alloisius, but having a child was his wish for a long time already, and not for having an inheritor or something. He wanted to care for someone like no one else could.

Walner shook his head. Already delved deeper into imagining Norman as his son while his parents were still tthere… What else could he do to improve the situation?

He approached the bookshelf and took the phone book out of it. This edition was published in 1984 but the information inside was still up-to-date to a certain degree. Child services number likely remained the same. Though it was unlikely that anyone would’ve answered the call at 9 PM, save for police, but he had no direct proof.

He bent a page corner and closed the book. Fine. There’s still time. Alloisius will be gone for tomorrow’s shift, and he’ll handle this alone without anyone to change his mind.


	5. Chapter 5

A call for children's services was probably the most nervous thing for Bastian to do throughout the last several years, and to say the least, these years weren’t calmest. He was afraid that they’d answer with a simple “your suspicious are unreasonable”, as he didn’t carry a Dictaphone with him and couldn’t record any talking man at any time, and Norman would doubtfully agree to repeat his words. However, the polite female voice on the other end said that his inquiry was to be processed as soon as possible… and it went silent until next Monday. Walner kept asking his students every day about Moss’ condition and received the same answers: he’s okay. Too okay, in the matter of fact. He skipped no classes this week.

That’s why, when Norman failed to show up on Monday’s math lesson, the class teacher wasn’t upset – he was relieved that everything’s back on track. The sixth lesson was the last one; it was a hot and sunny day, everyone was tired and waiting for the day to finally end – including Bastian who didn’t sleep well that day. However, the day ended abruptly and not in the slightest like everyone expected.

“Is the class teacher of 7-A here?”

The whole class turned to see the owner of a harsh metallic voice, standing in the doorway; it was a serious looking man in a dark trench coat, holding a folder. Drafting a pentagon on the blackboard, Walner turned around too, freezing in place with a piece of chalk in his left hand.

“That’s me. What happened?”

“Is your lesson coming to an end?”

“Yes… Is it something serious?”

“Pretty serious. It would be best if you finish your lesson right away.”

He exchanged glances with the class.

“It’s something important… maybe we could make an exception?” a kid in front of him asked weakly. The teacher nodded slowly without a single word about homework and headed to the door, as the class whispered to each other and gathered their books.

At the door, the serious man took Walner a little farther to the corridor. Bastian could now see his face expression, and it made the man even sterner. Something horrible happened, he thought.

“Your name is Bastian Walner, right?”

“Yes… Bring it our already.”

“Would you please read this,” the man retrieved a transparent plastic envelope with a sheet of paper from his folder.

“Aloud?” Walner asked out of nothing, but the answer was obvious.

He ran through the text, and some colorful obscenities right next to his own name caught his gaze. Death threats and curses were practically the only thing present in the note; its edge was covered in something dark red. It wasn’t too hard to figure what the substance was.

“Is that… blood on this paper?” Bastian spoke in a shaky voice, and the man took the plastic bag away. “What in the hell has happened? Who wrote this? Should I be alarmed and fear for my life already?”

“We suspect Roger Moss to be the author. Good news is that you don’t have to fear him right now. Later, though, it can be anything as he leaves the jail.”

“Jail… but what for…”

These words came out on their own, and his brain finally connected the bloodstained note, the name of Roger Moss, Norman’s absence and death threats to his class teacher. Walner shuddered at the thought.

“Did he… kill his son?”

“Not yet. Norman Moss is now in hospital and in moderate condition. Penetrating knife wound, but not very serious, he got lucky with that. He’ll live. However, his mother was found already dead. Seven wounds, all to abdomen, it must've been agonizing."

Bastian listened to these dry conclusions in a state of trance. His previous suspicions turned out to be right; it was for a reason that the last week went so smooth – too smooth. His heart ached as he imagined Norman lying on a hospital bed, but his mother’s death provoked no response from him.

“What about… his father?”

“Oh, he cut himself while waiting for police. Their neighbors told us that the kid ran up to their doors, and they barely managed to let him in before his father could catch up with him. He cut their door up and down, accomplished nothing and returned to his flat. Medics saved him anyway though; he didn't manage to escape from this world."

“They shouldn’t have,” Walner nearly whispered.

“Well, that’s your view. Our main concern is to investigate the case that consists of murder and attempt at a minor’s life, and the main suspect was on the edge of death.” The detective fixed his tie. “As you are Norman’s class teacher and also the one addressed in the would-be suicide note, you will be the first one questioned. Right away.”

7-A waited in the distance and whispered to each other. As the adults glanced at them, they shuffled their feet to the stairs. The teacher wasn’t, however, worried about kids possibly finding out information about their classmate that they weren’t supposed to hear.

Bastian returned home only by evening. As he reached for his keys, his husband opened the door, a bit disheveled and gravely worried.

“Sunshine, where have you been? No calls, no warning that you’ll be so late… Don’t just stand there, come on in!”

He pulled Walner by the hand, but he yanked it away and stepped inside in silence. It was already enough to make Alloisius even more worried, and in the next moment his loved one dropped his bag and coat on the floor (something he never did that before) and leant his back against the locked door, covering his face with hands. The previously joking mood to scold him for coming home late had instantly disappeared, and Shpak jumped at him, grabbing him by shoulders.

“Bastian, you’re scaring me, what’s happened? Trouble at school? Or something else? Please don’t hold it, just tell me!”

He lost the grip of time, but he knew he tore the hands off his face after quite several minutes. Everything seemed so endlessly painful and bleak, and Alloisius’ gaze, blue as the deepest sea, remained the only color in this suddenly greyed world. It almost brought back to reality.

“Yes, big trouble, Al. A detective came to school today…”

“On no, someone pulled you into a scam?”

“Don’t interrupt… I was interrogated by police as a class teacher.”

“Oh, it’s about your students? Did someone die?”

“Can you **shut up**?!”

Walner wasn’t a person to raise his voice, especially at a loved one. Alloisius drew away this instant, but obeyed and interrupted no more.

“They questioned me as a class teacher of a kid who ended up in a hospital. With a knife wound. His father stabbed him, killed his mother and tried to end his own life. And in his suicide note he wrote a lot of various death threats to me. Guess why? For my call to the childcare hotline.”

He lowered his head with a depressed gaze, staring through Shpak and feeling his eyes sting.

“It’s my fault, don’t you see? If I haven't called… none of this would’ve happened…”

Unable to hold back, he sobbed and covered his face again. Now’s the time, Alloisius figured and approached him again, this time embracing him softly and pulling closer.

“He… he said he doesn’t… believe that adults can help… And he was right. They only did things worse… I’m such an idiot, why did I… why do I always screw up at everything…”

“Shh, it’s fine, it’s fine,” the doctor muttered, stroking his hair. “That madman raised a hand against his family and it’s only his fault that he did so. Not yours. It wasn’t you who took a knife and went to stab your darlings.”

Bastian didn’t seem to listen anymore, face buried in his shoulder and sobbing uncontrollably. That’s for the best anyway, Alloisius thought soothingly.


	6. Chapter 6

Walner had never been a man with lots of spare time, and now it became disastrous. Along with those panicking before math exams, visiting Norman at the hospital added to his schedule. The kid woke up very soon, considering he had several cutting wounds and a penetrating one; a couple of days after that he was allowed to see visitors, the only one aside from investigators being his class teacher.

Bastian was very nervous at the first time. Of course, being convinced by Alloisius was not enough, and he still considered himself guilty of the tradegy; moreover, the police told Norman who exactly told the children's services about his family. In the end, Walner was pleasantly shocked to hear that the kid didn’t blame him for anything. Moss mentioned that he was afraid this would happen one day, and his father would snap at any moment. It was also the reason he stayed out of home most of the time.

Norman’s body was surprisingly tough. Three weeks passed, and he already asked Bastian for homework – at least for his subjects. He couldn’t refuse and gave him a couple of tasks here and there, although he knew full well Norman won’t finish this school year; it was unknown how long would the full rehabilitation take - undoubtedly longer than one month remaining before summer. Walner would happily teach him every day, but he couldn’t just trade school for one single kid. He was literally willing to tear himself apart and be here and there at the same time.

Along with that, he'd been making inquiries about the boy’s uncertain future. As his mother fell victim to his father, he would certainly become an orphan officially. Bastian asked about this in the very first day when he was questioned; they started searching for relatives, and if none showed up or agree to took him under their wing, he’d go straight to orphanage after full recovery. Thus, it’s been almost a month, and he was still unsure if he should talk to Norman about this.

For almost a month, he’d been spending his evenings in a low mood, with a lack of appetite and excess of worries. He couldn’t eat well when there were graver things to think about.

“My love,” his husband started once upon an evening, “tell me what's the matter. I can’t keep watching you digging into this condition. It’s easier to solve a problem together, you know that.”

“I don’t know if it’s even possible to solve…” Walner sighed in response, but his spouse was relentless and wouldn't leave him alone without a straight answer.

“You keep thinking about that kid, huh?”

“How’d you guess that,” he quipped; Alloisius squinted at him.

“I’m serious. Bring it out. Is his condition worsening?”

“No, not at all! It’s a… different thing…”

“Specify?”

“Guess what, Allois. His father is under investigation for killing his mother. They’ve been looking for relatives for almost a month already. Or they’ve rejected the custody, and now everyone’s just waiting for him to recover so that…”

“Wait a minute. You want to say that… Norman’s his name, right? That Norman’s only way to go is orphanage?”

“Yes, but… He told me it’s his biggest fear. That he’ll stay there till age of majority.”

“Then let’s adopt him.”

Walner turned to him, blinking rapidly.

“W… what?”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Are you serious? Y-you… you really want to have a child?” Disbelief in his voice steadily grew, and Alloisius became slightly offended.

“Don’t you believe in my best intentions?”

“I, I do, but…”

He didn’t quite grasp whether he should be delighted or horrified, because the adoption talk with Alloisius – not even Norman! – was the hardest in his opinion. But his husband went ahead of him and suggested the same through such a careless tone…

“But - what?”

“I hope you understand that it’s a very serious issue?”

“Bastian, I’m an adult, what do I look like to you?”

“Like someone who first brought into his apartment a woman he barely knew and then asked to evict her because she got on your nerves.”

Shpak felt like a bolt of lightning went through him, and he looked at his husband with a terribly offended expression.

“That… woman… is not worth comparing to a child!”

“Exactly. A child is even worse,” Walner remarked. “He needs a lot of time and effort, needs parents who are interested in his life. Parents who love him, after all, to avoid his birth parents’ practice…”

“Trust me - loving someone who makes your life better is very easy. You’ll see, we’re going to get along just fine!”

Alloisius smiled like a child. Oh, if only problems could be solved with your smile, Bastian thought with a sigh.

“Do you work tomorrow?”

“Dayshift, yes. Why?”

“Can you spare a few minutes and come see the child with me? For him to see both want-to-be parents…”

“I can’t promise but I’ll try. Is anything else needed from me?”

Hearing his lighthearted voice, Walner winced on the inside.

“Chances are you’ll have to take a long leave. At least one month after the paperwork is done. I’ll be choking with exams, I almost am right now, and a child needs someone to be with him the whole time. You haven’t been on a leave for quite a while, like the whole surgical unit is counting on you…”

“It is!” he said with a tint of protest.

“Even the best surgeon needs a rest. Especially on this occasion,” Bastian put stress on the word ‘this’.

“I’ll try to talk my superiors into it. But you know that I can’t promise anything, people like me are a vital need…”

He tried really hard to conceal his displeasure about having to take a leave, but Walner recognized it nevertheless.

“Please try your best. And try to contribute a minute or two tomorrow as well.”

Their deal was to meet at 4 PM, and unfortunately it didn’t become a surprise for Walner that he hasn’t met his husband neither where they agreed to meet, nor in the children’s block. He asked to make a call for Dr Shpak, but at first he was unreachable, and then it turned out he was very busy and couldn’t make it. In total, Bastian had waited for forty minutes before giving up and entering Norman’s room alone.

He was very happy as usual. He reached to grab the copybook on the table nearby, holding his bandage and wincing from pain. Of course, he went through all the tasks left by the teacher. He kept asking more every day, catching on his classmates who have already finished the year. Day by day, Walner was becoming more and more proud for him, confusing the feeling with something like a parent’s pride for a son he never had.

“Norman,” he began hoarsely, “I brought you an important question today. As you know, your adoption is on the agenda.”

“Yes,” the kid answered bleakly, and his mathematical enthusiastic mood died right away. “I wonder who’s gonna be first to respond, Aunt Rosa or Aunt Margo…”

Surprised by how Norman instantly named two other candidates for guardianship, Bastian fell silent and listened to what his rivals were like.

“If it’s Aunt Rosa, she’s gonna take me away an I’ll never see you and my school again… and this city, too. And if it’s Aunt Margo… oh no, let it better be Aunt Rosa and another town than Aunt Margo…”

He kept muttering, and Walner quietly hoped that the fact that none of Norman’s relatives petitioned to have custody was indeed true.

“…better none of them, to be honest… Oh, Bastian, why do you look so sad?”

He sighed. What was he supposed to tell the child?

“I look sad because both Aunt Rosa and Aunt Margo don’t want to bring you home, Norman.”

“Oh…”

“Actually I… I wanted to tell you something. Or better say, to offer.”

He took Norman’s hand, as if proposing.

“Do you want me to be your parent?”

Walner was thinking over these eight words ever since the moment he’d seen the kid for the first time, lying here with a needle in his hand, unnaturally pale. Heavens, he thought, how can I tell him that I could give my life to make sure he’ll be alright now…

“Are you… serious?”

“Yes, I am,” the man answered with a nervous smile, hoping with all his self that the question wasn’t something like ‘who do you think you are, mister class teacher’. “You don’t trust me?”

“N-no, I’m just… I can’t believe it,” Norman’s lips began trembling at the last words. “I j-just… Since the first d-day of school, when you became our class teacher, I thought… I thought how g-great it would be if my dad… was like you!”

“Dreams come true,” Bastian muttered under his breath so that the child wouldn’t hear it.

“Y-you’re not gonna leave me? I mean… Don’t think that I don’t trust you, it’s just… Don’t be upset with me, okay?”

“Don’t worry, I understand,” Walner could no longer hold back his smile of fondness. “How can I ever be upset with you…”

If physical condition could allow that, Bastian would’ve hugged the kid tightly, but he couldn’t even touch him without hesitation and caution, save for hugging…

“Can I… ask something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“You’re not a lonely parent if you want to adopt me… Who’s your wife? You said she’s a doctor…”

At this point Walner realized that he hasn’t told Norman one very important thing, namely that…

“Oh, Norman, it’s a husband, not a wife. I’m married to a man.”

It could actually interfere in their relationship. He never asked Moss about his opinion on same-sex marriage, and he never showed disgust… The kid looked surprised now, but at least not upset. A good sign.

“I, I just hope it hasn’t shocked you that much?” Walner asked cautiously, feeling like he just came out to his parents. Though, unlike Norman, their reaction would be very emotional and hardly positive.

“Not really… I just didn’t think that you were… like…” he stuttered. “So, I guess… I should ask about your husband then?”

“You were right about a doctor. Actually, he should’ve come with me today, but… it didn’t work out. His name is Alloisius; I’ll introduce him to you later.”

“Allo… isius? Sounds familiar,” Norman squinted. “Alloisius Shpak?”

“Yes, where did you hear it? On the TV?”

“Yeah, hardly… My mom was a nurse. She told dad that she was assisting some Dr Shpak several times.” The boy bit his lip. “And that he fondled her and told her vulgarities.”

Bastian raised an eyebrow expressively, hearing such a forthright accusation towards his husband.

“Interesting,” he said at last. “I’ll make sure to ask him about that.”

“You think he’ll tell you the truth?” Norman winced.

“Out of two possible information sources, only one is still alive. No one else to listen to, besides you, of course.”

They parted ways with mixed feelings each. Delighted to have approval of both Alloisius and Norman, Bastian was, to say the least, unprepared to hear the news Moss told him. And asking his spouse about rumors that he heard from their soon-to-be son felt sort of awkward.

What if that… wasn’t an isolated case? What if his colleagues were the reason he despised taking a break from work?..

Walner suppressed a tidal wave of repulsion coming from his stomach. It was pointless to distress oneself with no proof. Nonetheless, how was one supposed to get the proof if even your dearest ones could lie to you?


	7. Chapter 7

Two weeks after that, Norman was released from the hospital for home care. The stabbing wound closed up, and the slashes healed to a pinkish state; sure, there were still the physical limitations and the need to treat the stitches, but all these instructions were thoroughly described on paper and passed to the father of Norman, already Walner. His last name wasn’t a subject of discussion somehow; Alloisius didn’t argue but mumbled jokingly about inability to continue a dynasty of doctors by his last name.

Despite Bastian’s promise to introduce Norman to his second father as soon as possible, it was postponed intil the very release from the hospital. The teacher just couldn’t get it right how a doctor who works in the same building couldn’t allow himself a short break to meet his foster child; yes, you are a very important person, but not to that extent! At the morning when Norman was released and Bastian took him and his belongings away from his room in the hospital, Alloisius finished his night shift and met them both at the etrance.

Their relationship with Norman didn’t start well. Walner hoped that it’s only because of how his late mother described the doctor; in that case he just needed to prove himself and the kid that it wasn’t true. However, the boy’s displeasure was showing not only through talks – his gestures were also sharp and distrustful, and he tried to keep closer to Bastian all the time, as if hiding behind him.

One most positive fact about their first week with Norman was his bed linen. As soon as the thought of adopting a child was established as a decision, a discussion ensued about a need for him to have a room of his own. The main candidate was the room in which Alloisius used to store his medical literature and maps of stars; it also had an unclaimed bed left from previous tenants. Both of them, almost immediately, chose dark blue linen with golden stars embroidered on it. After the first night spent in a new place, Norman confessed to Bastian that it was the first calm night in what seemed like forever. At least this victory was reclaimed.

Sadly, victories would not exceed defeats. The first two weeks of their domestic life happened to be the hardest for Bastian and his students, as he spent most of the time in school, coming home mostly late. Taking heed of his pleads in the past, Alloisius managed to secure himself some time away from work, but it still wasn’t four or even three weeks – only just two. That was incomparably little to become attached to the kid and take care about his health, but Bastian was kind of okay with this arrangement, having several dozens of panicking students at hand.

He expected Norman to become more open-minded with a new, better family, but the exact opposite happened; he sat in his room most of the time, reading books he found in the flat. Shpak claimed him to talk mostly with gestures when he needed something that he couldn’t retrieve on his own. Walner pondered on what they’ve done wrong and made his condition even worse… and whether it was possible for them to fix it.

As the summertime exams have passed, and Shpak’s leave was over, a small change occurred. In his first night shift, when only Bastian was present at home, Norman spoke up. It started with a simple question:

“Norman, do you like living with us?”

He wondered whether it was worth answering, and how long the answer was supposed to be.

“I don’t know. I’m constantly stressed and can’t relax.”

“What?.. Why’s that?” Walner asked, astonished. “Do we make you nervous?”

“Not both of you. You don’t. He, on the contrary…”

“Is it about the things your mom told you?” Bastian sighed, and to his surprise, Norman slowly nodded.

“Honestly I don’t know… I feel like I’ve found the reason but I’m not sure.”

“Go ahead.”

“You see, he’s so… affectionate. Always polite and sympathetic…”

“Yes, he’s always been like that… Is that wrong for you?”

“Do you remember my father’s behavior?” Norman asked suddenly, and it felt like a stick stirring up a muddy swamp; the question dwelled on Walner’s memories in the same way.

“What exactly do you mean?”

“I mean that he also was… so polite to everyone. He greeted people, he asked everyone about their well-being and family. And then, at home…” he shivered.

“So you think…” Bastian gasped. “You think Alloisius is the same?”

“I don’t know. But I’m scared nevertheless. It’s better to be aware than trust and be fooled.”

Walner put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly.

“Look, I… I understand that it’s hard for you to change your mind and to not see a downside to anything where there’s none. But I swear to you… I swear on my life and decency that you can trust Alloisius the same way that you trust me. He won’t lay a finger on you and won’t even think about it.”

“It’s easy to say. You don’t know all about him,” Norman muttered, shook his shoulder and threw the palm off. “All those people who are so good on the outside are like burnt sunflower seeds. You’ll only know what they are once you bite on them and taste the bitterness.”

Bastian was first shocked by a metaphor too deep for a thirteen years old kid, but then he switched to another question.

“That’s why you only trust those who aren’t optimistic and friendly?” Or, a subject more vital: “Was that why you liked my company?”

“No… And yes. I just, you know… When adults don’t pull up that another face, the courteous and suave one, it’s way easier to understand them. You know for sure what to expect. You’re one of those… If you’re tired – you’re tired and you want to be left alone. You won’t try and keep a façade of being okay… Pretending is also a form of lying, you know?”

Norman was desperately trying to put his thoughts into words, and Bastian admitted that he could actually agree. He remembered the situation they had three years ago; Alloisius was hiding from him that he was terminally ill for a whole month, hoping that he would never find out and stay content for the rest of their life together. There was no limit to Bastian’s indignation back then. If he hadn’t by accident walked in on him injecting morphine, all the progress that they’ve made throughout last years would simply cease to exist. In that case, Walner would’ve been left alone with a probability of 99% - this time, completely alone. With a probability of 100% he wouldn’t live longer than a week after his lover’s death. And despite his constantly depressed mood, he admitted that being alive felt way better. For both of them.

“Yes, Norman. I know what you mean.” He sighed quietly. “But there’s nothing I can do anything about it. I’m sorry. That’s just who he is.”


	8. Chapter 8

The final hearing of the case of Roger Moss was held in the middle of July. Guilty, of course. Murder of wife and attempt to take a kid’s life. The psychiatric evaluation proved him to be in incontrollable mental condition by the time of murder, but his mental health overall was exceptional. It took quite some time for the judge to decide, and the final verdict was a 21 years long sentence under a maximum security regime. The prosecutor wasn’t satisfied and told Bastian as the victim’s legal representative that he could make it a life sentence. But the defendant was cooperating, pleaded guilty and signed a full confession, so the judge was a little less harsh to him. As the verdict was announced, Moss suddenly jumped up and broke out in a stream of curses, a lot like in his failed suicide note, but this time with an addition of ‘you planned this to get my son under control’. Sitting at the injured party’s side, Walner felt like a supervisor to an animal in the zoo, and the animal was embittered and furious, biting on its cage and spewing various sounds that sometimes sounded like human speech.

He came home completely devastated. The trial stretched out for almost three months; he never liked long-term events that he sometimes got pulled in, and this particular paperweight chopped a big chunk off his nerves. He was busy as hell all the time, so dropping a big issue felt a lot better - as long as other things didn’t put even more pressure.

Going up the stairs, Walner ran into his son; he didn’t look ahead and didn’t even turn around when Bastian called him out. He grew cautious but didn’t run after him, going further up instead. The flat door was left open. He came in, looking around in slight fear of strangers inside, but only found a single person: Alloisius stood at the kitchen’s open window and smoked a pipe. He was quiet and didn’t turn around when his husband touched his shoulder. Bastian looked outside and saw Norman sitting alone on a swing in front of the house, swinging back and forth lazily.

“Did something happen? Why did he run outside?” Walner almost whispered, his hand still on the spouse’s shoulder. The latter exhaled the smoke one list time and sighed sharply, facing Bastian. He saw now that the man was almost crying.

“Yes, something happened.” Shpak stepped back from the window, sat at the table and put down his pipe. Walner remained at his place, watching him, and a feeling of an oncoming storm tortured him. “On papers, I’m a parent, but to my child I’m no such thing.”

“Did he tell you that? Or is that your own conclusion?”

“No… He didn’t say anything. I just reached out to pat him on the head, and he… he looked at me like I was a murderer and darted off. He must’ve thought I wanted to hit him…”

The further he went, the more his voice trembled and the lower his head hung; in the end he put his chin on his hands, elbows on the table.

“It’s been like that since the very first day. For a whole month already… What else should I do to make him trust me? Or it’s just hopeless, and he’ll never like me because… because he doesn’t want to. Maybe he sees his father in me, you told me he’s a tall fellow… But it’s not my fault! I just want things to be okay…”

He sobbed, sniffing from time to time and running his hands through his dark wavy hair. Bastian couldn’t stand it and finally sat down in front of him.

“Sure, I’ve never had children… I’ve never even had younger siblings. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be a good parent… I don’t know what to do…”

“Look… Norman told me that he doesn’t trust you.”

“Yeah, it’s not hard to tell!” Alloisius shouted in a hurt voice, looking up at him.

“Don’t interrupt. He said that your optimism and friendliness push him away and… Honestly at first I didn’t realize why he’d say that but then I remembered how we communicated at the dawn of our relationship.”

“What… do you mean?”

“I mean that you constantly hide your real self behind a wall of affability.”

“But… you know I just can’t do otherwise? I just… I just got used to this, I don’t want to show off anything wrong with it! I don’t want people to bother with my problems!”

“Don’t freak out, I’m just telling you what Norman said.”

“Alright then. What else? What’s so unbearable about my persona that he won’t even let me approach him?”

Slowly but steadily, Shpak’s voice became more high-pitched and distressed, and Bastian caught himself thinking that he wanted to drop the topic right now. Whenever they discussed each other’s weaknesses, Alloisius ultimately ended in a bad mood; usually people don’t like to listen about their flaws, and he disliked it even more. However, this time it wasn’t just two of them, it was a child they had to take care of. Thus, Walner gathered all his doubts and spoke in his calmest tone.

“He said his mother was telling some unpleasant things about you while she worked as your assistant. That you… augh, it’s disgusting to even say out loud…”

Didn’t take him too long to lose his composure. He’d been a jealous man his whole life, and in case of Alloisius there were plenty of reasons for this. According to him, a lot of his assistants were young and pretty, and the talks about his female colleagues that he mentioned so often and nonchalantly were scratching Bastian’s soul from the inside. And after Norman’s words, even though there was no solid proof, a bitter feeling of jealousy was eating away at Walner even worse than before.

“That I?.. What did she say?”

“That you’ve got no conscience, molesting your colleagues with your husband waiting at home,” he hissed through his teeth. Wiping away his tears, Alloisius suddenly turned to him with an indefinitely indignant expression on his face. That was exactly the reaction Bastian expected from him.

“So Norman told you that?”

“Yes.”

“Damn it, if he doesn’t like me, he decided to turn you against me as well?! I never did such things and never wanted to… I didn’t marry you for just a pretty ring!”

“These days, I begin to think the ring was exactly the reason.”

“W… what?”

“You heard me. If feels like your job is more dear to you than your family… I won’t be surprised if that’s right.”

He spoke in a calm, slightly trembling voice, trying to look like he’s in control of the situation. His words hit Shpak like an avalanche, and he was deafened and unable to say anything in defense.

“B-but… I…”

“I asked you to take a leave in June. For a month. What did you do?”

“I took the longest leave I could! It wasn’t my fault that the leave schedule was so inconvenient this time!”

“Really? Nelly told me that you yourself had asked for such a short leave.” Nelly Shin was Al’s colleague and at the same time another object of suspicion from pissed off Bastian.

“Wh… Did you call her personally to ask this?!”

“I called to ask when exactly would your leave end. I asked you so many times, and you constantly avoided it.” He squinted reproachfully at his husband. “Just be straight with it and admit that you didn’t want to look after Norman.”

Alloisius stared at him like a hunted animal. Perhaps it wasn’t the best time for a heart-to-heart, but it couldn’t last any longer.

“Okay. Fine… Yes, you’re sort of right.”

“Heavens, why? You were afraid of a child, weren’t you?” Bastian yelled, completely losing composure. “Couldn’t you tell me back then that you… god damn it, why did I even make you adopt a child on my whim??”

He wanted to burst into tears, but his chest hurt more than his eyes; he wanted to howl, feeling infinitely bitter because once again it was his fault, he let it go straight downhill. Once again.

“Why did you even suggest to adopt him if you were not ready?”

“Hell, Bastian… I saw how constantly worried you were. And kids, come on, you love kids so much, you’d lighten up a little… I can step on my throat for you, who else do I sacrifice myself for? Even if I was allergic to cats and you wanted to have one…”

“Alloisius… Adopting a child isn’t adopting a cat,” Walner grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it tightly.

“It’s still a sacrifice I’m willing to make…” He looked at his husband and smiled weakly. “Actually… when I saw you two leaving the hospital together… It stabbed me in the heart, seeing you so happy that day! Even though I barely knew Norman unlike you, the class teacher – I tried to get used to him, to adjust. To love him like my own child, not only yours… even though he didn’t seem to like the idea.”

Shpak lowered his head, full of guilt, and accepted defeat. Sure, Bastian could endlessly blame him for carefree approach, for suppressing his worries, for overconfidence… but it wouldn’t solve the problem. He could blame himself the same amount, being equally useless to help out the situation.

“If you'd bring up the subject of a sick leave right now, I'd take a two months long one,” Alloisius muttered, covering his face with palms.

Walner wanted to respond but heard a sharp ringing sound in the hall and was the first one to get up and answer the call. They rarely had phone calls at home, and he was partially curious who that might be.

“Hello?”

“Hey. It’s me.”

Norman’s voice sounded infinitely far and weak, but it wasn’t the thing that astonished Bastian. The kid was in front of their house a few minute ago, why… why’s he calling home? And where was he?

“Norman! Where are you? Why are you calling, aren’t you outside in the yard?”

“No, I’m… Long gone. And not coming back.”

“What… Why?”

“I’m leaving. I’m sorry I couldn’t become a nice kid for you… It’s all my fault.”

“Norman, no! Wait!” Walner felt his fingertips getting cold and his breath gone. A sad chuckle came from the phone.

“You’re fighting because of me. I heard what you told Alloisius about mom… I don’t know whether it’s really true. But if not for me…”

“No, no, Heavens, what are you talking about…”

“Sorry I behaved like this, Bastian. I should’ve ran away from home the very day I told you about my visit to children's services… None of this would’ve happened this way.” A short sigh. “My time’s running out, and I’ve got no more coins. Don’t look for me.”

“No! Norman!..”

The phone went silent. Gripping the handset with cold hands, Walner tried to process what he’s just heard; when Alloisius touched him, he flinched, deep in his thoughts. It’s been only a couple of seconds, but it felt like eternity.

“What’s happened? Was it Norman?” the doctor asked, a bit rattled, and Bastian made himself unclench his hand and put the phone down.

 _Be honest._ Make him upset. You’re both Norman’s parents, so you must solve the problems about him together. You’ve done enough separately, now look what’s going on because of it…

“Yes. He said he’s leaving and we don’t need to look for him.” His voice sounded bleak like a bad microphone record.

“W… what? Are you serious?”

“I wouldn’t joke about that!” Walner snapped, his voice immediately getting stronger. “What do we do now… I never asked him where he went when he didn’t feel like going home…”

“He’s got no one at his own home now… I mean, his flat,” Shpak noticed idly. Bastian jumped to check the keys from the Moss’ flat, but found none.

“Nothing,” he breathed. “Did he really go home… But why?”

“Maybe there he feels better than here with us,” Alloisius suggested sadly.

Bastian didn’t respond and didn’t hear him at all, thinking. The required address was quite away from their home, and the kid wouldn’t have made it there so fast on foot. There was still a chance to catch on him by taxi.


	9. Chapter 9

At 9 PM, both physically and mentally exhausted, the no-good parents arrived at a crossroad. After six hours of searching, they must’ve looked around half the town and asked absolutely everyone present. They also lost all hope along the way.

As they’ve arrived to the place where they expected to find Norman, only a locked door greeted them; as the rescue service broke down the doors, they found the flat empty. Some papers were torn into pieces; seemed like someone destroyed a locker’s content and left through the window. Whoever was here, leaving by tying sheets together and using them as a rope was quite creative; they knew someone would be looking for them, even in a locked flat.

After that, Shpak and Walner finally went to a police station. They were reassured that the search would go well without help, but what else could worried parents do when their child is nowhere near? Of course, they went to a different part of town where police wasn’t working yet. They couldn’t do much in a party of two, but it was still better and more productive than sitting at home, driven mad by anxiety.

A lot of people were just passing by and haven’t seen the kid, but sometimes they got lucky and actually found someone who could give a direction. At the end, if they were told the truth, Norman was supposed to be somewhere around the local river embankment. The traces disappeared there.

They went back and forth several times, staring at the granite barriers and hoping to see Walner Jr sitting there alone, but they saw anyone else but him. Out of the two, Bastian was more anxious to be so close to river; he had long ago interpreted Norman’s words over the phone as a suicide note. Only Alloisius who held his hand tight enough was the reason he hasn’t yet jumped into the river to meet presumably the same death that their son did.

They came back to a wide pedestrian bridge over the river and were catching their breath when Walner saw a glimpse of someone on the bridge who seemed to sit on the railing. The figure looked too small for a youngster – rather a teenager, so the man made a step closer and pulled Alloisius by a sleeve.

“Hey,” Bastian whispered, “it’s him…”

He wanted to dash at the child, grab him and take him off the railing, but Alloisius grabbed his shoulders and said firmly:

“Steady… Any sudden moves could make him jump.”

As they approached the kid, Walner examined Norman who sat on the metal fence, dangling his feet and holding onto a lantern base. The sun almost went down, and the street lights threw ominous orange light on the bridge and water, making Norman’s hair look unnaturally ginger. As the couple was mere meters away from him, he turned to them.

“Norman, we… We didn’t listen and went to look for you,” Bastian shrugged wearily. The boy smiled sadly and tilted his head, still dangling his feet above the void.

“I thought so. Though I don’t know why you needed all this…”

“Are you kidding me?” Shpak commented resentfully from behind his husband’s shoulder. “You think it’s very mature to run away from home where people are worried sick about you?”

“This home is better without me anyway… I was driving you apart, and it turned out it’s all for nothing.”

His parents exchanged surprised glances and asked simultaneously:

“What do you mean?”

“I said that my mom told us about… You know what. At home, I found an envelope with some photos and a letter… Where someone wrote her that they found a perfect angle and these photos could be used for blackmailing. And it was a set of pictures with my mom hugging Alloisius.”

“Wait… Your last name was Moss, and your mother… was Lena Moss?” Shpak frowned.

“Yep. Do you remember her?”

“God, I… I asked her to quit working with me because…” he stuttered but kept talking under Bastian’s piercing gaze, blushing uncontrollably; it was even more obvious in the street lighting. “Because she allowed herself to give unacceptable hints to her superior colleagues at work! I’m married, you know…”

“She seemed to be going to extort money from you, threating to show the photos to your wife… In your case, to your husband. It made me so mad… the very thought of my mom planning all this… I burned it all, both photos and the letter. I don’t want anything to plague your lives…”

Norman turned away, watching the dark still water under his feet. Light slowly danced on it in small ripples; it was quite the distance from the bridge down to the water surface.

“I’m so sorry… I really feel bad for misleading you two. But I didn’t know for sure myself.”

“Norman, dear,” Walner exhaled, “to hell with all this, let’s just go home…”

He stepped forward; the boy turned at the railing to climb over but his hand slipped from the lantern base. Like slow motion, the couple watched their child falling off the bridge and into the dark.

Even before the water splash down in the river, Alloisius threw his jacket and glasses into Bastian’s hands, jumped over the handrail and followed Norman. He touched the surface just a couple of seconds after him and almost instantly caught the boy underwater. Actually, Alloisius never learned to swim but threw himself into a river with no hesitation to save a child. His efforts were enough to reach the shore while holding Norman on his stomach, and Walner helped them out of water.

“Al, you said you never learned to swim!” he exclaimed as the latter put his glasses back on. “How’d you do that?!”

“I… I don’t know, it just sort of happened? On its own?” Shpak was disoriented for a while. “Wait, did I really… save a drowning one? Without drowning myself?”

“Sometimes you truly amaze me…”

Carefully passing Norman to Bastian, the doctor tried to shake off the water, but to no avail – they were both soaking wet. The kid was half-conscious from shock and exhaustion, but he was alive. Nothing else mattered. Walner still couldn’t believe that they found him; he felt like he was going to faint from this emotional rollercoaster. And they still had to tell the police to stop looking for Norman Walner as the subject has already been found… Thoughts swarmed in his head, but one thing was at the top priority.

Returning home.


	10. Chapter 10

As the lazy sunlight broke through the clouds and hit Shpak’s eyes, it was already ten o’clock. His dreams this night consisted of pure weirdness, and he was pretty glad to wake up – alive and well and especially next to Walner. Yesterday night, he fell asleep in his daily clothing and was still asleep; to avoid waking him, Alloisius carefully slipped out of bed and into the next room. He was so successful in this that even Chaos remained asleep by Bastian’s side.

Al himself was also dressed in the first he could grab. As they finally got home yesterday, they tried their best to change Norman’s clothes and put him to sleep, then turn to their own well-being; the doctor touched his head and noticed with displeasure that his hair was still wet. While he brushed his teeth, a blond-haired head leaned into the doorway and disappeared instantly. He waited patiently at the kitchen for the kid to wash his face; he felt like there was a couple of topics for them to discuss.

“Good morning, Alloisius!” Norman exclaimed, walking into the kitchen, and the doctor quickly put a finger to his lips.

“Shh, don’t be loud. Bastian is still asleep… Good morning.”

It was an enormous progress in their relationship. For the first time Norman wished him good morning – and not with a face like he ate a pill of fish oil. Shpak remembered their last talk before the kid ran away from home; they almost had a fight, but instead of showing off real emotions and telling Norman to go to his room, he just… stood there and smiled? Like nothing happened? He recalled the circumstances and began to feel sick with them. The boy expected him to be honest and got the constant cover image in return.

This very boy sat at the table now, hands on knees, looking at Alloisius’ nightgown as he boiled the milk for breakfast. Bastian gave him this nightgown as a gift for the first ever birthday in this country; while he couldn’t quite celebrate as his forty-eighth anniversary came while he was at the hospital, Walner only managed to give him the gift after he was released for home care. The shirt was quite thick and long – considering Shpak’s height, as it ended at his knees; the fabric was black encrusted with small blue and white stars at the bottom.

“Can I… ask you something?” Norman spoke up after a long silence, and Alloisius turned to his question. “Are you making oatmeal?”

“No, it’s rice. Is that what you wanted to know?” he chuckled.

“Not really, but I suddenly became interested, heh… I actually wanted to ask you about yesterday.”

“What exactly?”

“I heard back on the shore when you rescued me from the river… Bastian said you cannot swim. But you still jumped after me… Why?”

Pouring a glass of rice into boiling milk, Shpak stirred the contents of the pot and then faced the child again. He opened his mouth to say that he didn’t think about what he could and couldn’t do, as his mind simply gave an alarm, seeing the matter being urgent. Then he realized that Norman didn't need all these stupid explanations. He needed to hear something else, something that Alloisius needed to say a long time ago and to keep repeating it more often.

“Because you’re my child, and I love you very much. And I wanted to save your life, obviously.” He wanted to smile, but his face remained stagnant and showed a serious emotion. Perhaps that was even better, knowing Norman’s distrust of his everlasting smiles. “After all, me and Bastian together have decided to adopt you, not him alone… I know that you trust him more, you’ve known him for much longer, you know what to expect from him. I just…” he got down on his knees in front of the kid, “just hope that one day you’ll trust me the same way you trust Bastian.”

“If you don’t lie to me that you’re okay. It’s bad to lie to children.”

Norman’s eyes had a color of phenomenal color. Along with the carefree summer skies, deep inside them sat a grudge against all adults, slowly disappearing, but still glimmering cowardly. Alloisius hoped that the image of a biological father that so steadily associated with him in Norman's eyes would one day be reduced to ashes.

The morning slowly crawled into daytime; grey clouds have disappeared, giving way endlessly to the sun. Someone laughed at the streets, and a tune played from a nearby house so loud that it even reached the flat with rice porridge boiling at the stove. Shpak kept stirring the substance thoughtfully, reflecting on half the summer almost having passed; but the weather remained quite cold nevertheless, and the water in local river felt freezing to him despite summertime period. As if confirming his thoughts, Norman sneezed loudly from his chair and made the parent turn around immediately; he also sniffed hard after that.

“What’s that sound,” Alloisius wagged a spoon at him.

“My throat hurts a bit,” he complained. “It must be because of yesterday…”

Running the dates in his head, the surgeon concluded that his next shift would be tomorrow… However, he could always take an unpaid leave. His family’s health condition was a good reason.

“It’s okay. Just a cold, pfft! We’ll get you back on your feet in no time, I’m a doctor after all.”

“What if it’s pneumonia,” Norman lamented. “I heard it’s an unpleasant thing, is it true?”

“Yes, it’s not a bed of roses… But I think you’ll be okay. It’s important to start the treatment now, while you’re still in good condition…”

He turned off the gas, approached the kid and patted him on the head lightly. In days of past, Norman would’ve immediately ran away, this time however… He jumped off his chair and hugged Alloisius, snuggling to him as if he’d disappear if the boy let him go. Sunlight danced on the half-transparent kitchen curtains, on Norman’s wheat-blond hair and Shpak’s pitch black curls that looked like hell without brushing. They both thought about roughly the same thing; despite a rainy summer, it wasn’t the last in their life, and the next one would certainly get better. Even if it wouldn’t, it was worth hoping for the year after that, and so on. The main source of sunshine would still be not in the sky but by your side, warming your worn out heart and your soul, scratched by unforgiving fate.


End file.
